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The True Life Story of the Englishman - An Average Tale

April 27th 2011 02:11

Amongst the varied and numerous animals inhabiting the globe, lies a curious creature, the Englishman.

This often apologetic species, found in the more somber corners of the world, has been historically unpredictable in their contribution to both self and world evolution.

From splashes of sheer brilliance - such as the submarine, Francis Drake and The Beatles, to shameful acts of cultural degradation - such as Gordon Brown, the toad in the hole, and the Speckled Hen (warm flat beer), the Englishman is a hard one to pin down.

And if the latest research is anything to go by, the life and times of the Englishman continue to be as fascinating as they are absurd.

Latest figures reveal that during his lifetime, the average Englishman will spend 11 years in front of the TV, and 10,500 hours inside a pub. Furthermore, he will mate with nine partners, waste one month looking for socks, and will learn how to cook four meals by watching the TV.

The average Englishman also earns £28,270 per year. Of this, he will spend £570 on designer clothes, £1,144 on beer, £2,001 shopping online, £2,189 on gadgets and £417 eating out each year.

Research also indicates the Englishman regards this lifestyle as lazy and feels somewhat guilty about it, as he is reputed to say sorry 1.9 million times during his lifetime.

However, this guilt hasn't appeared to stop this curious fellow from descending further into cultural decadence, as 70% of Englishmen reportedly fit the 'hunter profile' when it comes to shopping. Here the accumulation of useless goodies is a way of displaying wealth, power and social status within the community.

While many regard these actions as ignorant, others see them as the necessary survival techniques of a creature subjected to a particularly soggy and doleful environment.

However, Crimson Svarney, yogi master from the renown temple of Kamali, says this so called habitual behaviour should not be dismissed as British boneheadedness. He says activities such as lengthy sock hunting and staring at pub dartboards are not only therapeutic, but encompass some of the most profound meditation techniques in the cosmos.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Gazebos

March 21st 2011 23:21

In an increasingly busy world, it may be difficult to find the time to gaze upon the great outdoors, to appreciate the part of the natural world in which you are living. However, this needn't be so difficult with a stylish and sturdy outdoor shelter such as a gazebo.

For hundreds of years this shelter has entertained humans the world over, with its clever design affording the user 360 degree views while being protected from the sun and rain. It's not surprising, therefore, that the gazebo has met with success in Australia, in a land where the outdoors is not merely a recreational option, but a way of life.

Indeed, a backyard gazebo will most likely coerce those with a busy lifestyle into the outdoors for business, breakfast, romance, or just a break from the world. It will also blend into just about any backyard due to its style options, coming in rustic cedar, hexagonal style, and various pergola designs. Options even abound for different stained coloured wood, depending on one's taste.

The roof of the gazebo also comes with a variety of options – timber shingles, colourbond, lazerlife roofing, or even traditional African or Balinese thatch – all which offer the user insulation during bouts of extreme weather. And once you've got the look you're after, you can be sure it won't collapse in a hurry, as gazebos are made with H5 treated pine (be sure to check this), guaranteed to withstand at least 30 years of usage.

If you're not sure this is for you, think again, as a gazebo can be tailored towards any shape or style. They can be built over a spa, by the pool, or fixed into a timber decking, enhancing backyard entertainment tenfold. This handy little contraption also comes in DIY kits should you want to inaugurate the new leisure area yourself.

If you live in an outdoor country such as Australia, surely this is one option well worth investigating.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Hundreds of Endangered Animal Species Found in Luggage

February 25th 2011 07:21

In a preposterous display of animal autocracy, an Indonesian man has attempted to smuggle hundreds of endangered animal species out of Thailand before being nabbed at a baggage X-ray in Suvarnabhumi Airport recently.

Flabbergasted authorities discovered the man carrying three suitcases choked full of exotic inhabitants, including one African parrot, six Argentinian frogs, 11 turtles, 18 baboon spiders, 22 squirrels, 25 lizards, 42 snakes, and 132 tortoises – one of which was the world's rarest.

International Wildlife and Monitoring Group, TRAFFIC, who took control of the situation, said they were confounded how the man thought he could pass through security with such a teeming mobile menagerie.

Upon questioning, the man admitted going on a wildlife shopping rampage in an clandestine Bangkok market before airport scanners picked up hundreds of moving images inside the bags.

TRAFFIC spokesman, Richard Thomas, says wildlife smuggling in Thailand is on the rise, as a growing affluent Asian society is associating rare and exotic animals with symbols of status. Although he adds America and Europe also have snowballing markets of illegal wildlife.

The case follows a spate of increasingly audacious attempts at animal transport, including elephants being snuck across borders in cars, a tiger cub stowed on a plane after being fed a sleeping tablet, and a German tourist, who was caught smuggling geckos in his underwear upon leaving New Zealand.

Thomas adds a man was recently caught attempting to smuggle songbirds out of the U.S. in carefully lined trousers, before authorities noticed feathers and bird dung plummeting furiously from his ankles. And in a case several months ago, a man was caught trying to smuggle 18 monkeys out of Peru wrapped inside his socks.

Yes, it appears attempts at displacing exotic animals are becoming increasingly desperate, which has led wildlife experts to question the motives behind such reckless behaviour. However, Dr Albertus Arstenjengle, spokesman for the much derided Esoteric Biological Brotherhood (EBB), believes he knows why.

He says nature has selected these unique species to occur seldom within our world, as they contain atypical powers that balance Earth's biological energy. He says Asian's believe whoever harnesses this energy will attain great power, a power, it seems, that many are willing to risk jail for, before spending hours with exotic birds and geckos down their trousers at 35,000 feet.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Irish Legends of Giants Not Just Kids' Bedtime Stories

February 21st 2011 22:47

The word 'giant', conceived in 1297, comes from the Gigantes in Greek Mythology. Since then, the term has largely been associated with towering buffoons who eat people, or large creatures of power who dwell within the pages of kids' bedtime stories.

In Irish legends, uncommonly tall individuals are depicted as living amongst townsfolk in times gone by. While such tales are often dismissed as a load of old rainbow chasing tommyrot, evidence now suggests there might be some credence to the giant's life in the Emerald Isle.

A new study conducted by the London School of Medicine claims Northern Ireland is a breeding ground for people suffering from pituitary adenomas – a tumour that can cause excessive amounts of growth hormones, which leads to massive growth spurts.

So there are giants in Ireland? Delving into Ireland's folklore, Dr Marta Korbonits, professor of endocrinology and metabolism at the school, used DNA from the teeth of Charles Byrne, a 7-foot-7 Irish giant from the 18th Century, who was also renown for genetic advancement in pituitary adenoma.

Dr Korbonits connected his DNA with that of four modern day Irish families suffering from the disorder, including Brendan Holland, a 6-foot-9 giant who claims if his tumour had not been treated at 19, he would now be 8-foot tall and beyond.

Korbonits found the gene mutation of both Byrne and Holland were linked, while being connected to a common ancestor that lived roughly 1,425 – 1,650 years ago. So it seems the Irish tales of old might not be such tales after all, as a 'giant' is a trait passed down genetically, which means it can be isolated and controlled.

While Irish legends appear to have gained credibility, and pituitary adenoma research promises to reduce the world's giant population, Tim O'Brien, spokesman for Ripley's Believe It Or Not, is deeply concerned. He says not only will the NBA be deprived of their beanstalk hoop masters, but the number of gangly 'freaks' on his show will be drastically reduced.

However, Dr Donald Wump, head of the Belfast Irenic Guild (BIG), says the news is delightful, as Napoleon complex, or short-man syndrome, will be greatly diminished. He says fewer giants in society will lower the country's mean height and lessen the anxiety of the little man, which will effectively reduce pint-sized hot-head machine gun activity in the country's north.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Polar Bears Patrol Doomsday Vault at the End of the World

February 18th 2011 00:59

If you were to protect the world's most precious cargo, where would you hide it? Chances are it would be in the far north, at the end of the world, where the only creatures mad enough to inhabit such a place are monster polar bears and obstinate Norwegians.

Besides, if that cargo was food, or had the potential to be food, it could be frozen and stored indefinitely. At least this is what the Norwegian Government thought when they invested $9 million into the Svalbard Global Seed Vault, a depository designed to protect the world's seeds against any impending global disaster.

Dubbed the “doomsday vault”, the place is a converted mine, located roughly 1200 kilometres from the North Pole in Norway's frozen wastelands. Its purpose is to provide “a service to the world”, as the place currently holds 250 million seeds, ready to reinvigorate life into the world should it be swept with tragedy.

After a recent trip to contribute rare Australian chickpea seeds to the depository, Australian farmer and scientist Dr Tony Gregson relayed his journey to this impenetrable fortress, which is somewhat reminiscent of a James Bond cliffhanger.

He says both himself and the Australian Ambassador had their precious seed collection scanned and x-rayed at the airport before heading far north. After much icy travel, the pair reached two great hulking doors in the side of a mountain.

It was here they were confronted by towering polar bear sentries (involuntary), before proceeding down a long concrete passageway until reaching three chambers, all at minus 20 degrees Celsius, which the pair described as “damn cold”. The rare dehydrated and vacuum packed seeds were then deposited in what Gregson labels “ the safest place on Earth”.

Indeed it might be, as this concrete, robust structure is built into the mountainside, 60 metres above sea level (to escape any imminent sea rises). It's also surrounded by permafrost, which ensures temperatures are maintained in the event of a power outage. Then there's those polar bears. Who'd want to mess with those?

However, Kuik Kaneq, Chief Elder of the Inuits, warns it is these very bears that will break the ice on the ruin of mankind. He says there are many skills to this arcane milky hunter of the north that are shrouded in folklore - as they are listening, watching, and waiting to raid the seeds of Svalbard to engage in a rather vigorous spot of ice gardening, to the detriment of all.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Valentine's Day Bleeds Kenya Dry

February 15th 2011 11:36

Regarded as a symbol of secrecy and love in ancient Greece and Rome, the rose is a curious flower, one that has been revered throughout the ages.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Political

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Ghosts, Waterslides and Hard Hats - a Story

February 13th 2011 21:51

On a typical day at an English construction site, one would expect to experience hard hats, brickie's bums and mounds of chips smothered in beans and cheese - not headless monks, moving objects and sudden feelings of coldness.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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The Wild Life of Italy

February 8th 2011 01:28

With claims such as Leonardo da Vinci, pizza, Ferraris and great hair, Italy is arguably a land of great genius. However, beneath this genius, lies an undercurrent of wanton behaviour - lawlessness, libidinous politicians, and most recently, wayward huntsmen.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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Catholic Church Issues Guide to End Witchcraft and Spells

February 5th 2011 01:54

An immense spiritual rift is thundering across civilised England, propelling young women towards the cauldrons of the underworld. Meanwhile, the Catholic Church is watching, as fear and paranoia steadily grow within its great walls. For once a seed is planted, it will grow.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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Weather Control - An Exercise in Perversity?

February 1st 2011 01:29

The weather. After being worshipped for thousands of years in various manners (a respect rightfully deserved), this elemental tour de force is facing a steady decline in gratitude, as humans are now attempting to tell it what to do. For why worship the weather when one can control it?

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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April 2011

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February 2011