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Bagman's Gazette - Punctuation is Optional

 
Bullamakanka is a bent and twisted old man who does not have a cat. He does have five goannas though and a possum who lives in the wall. None of them help with the writing, the lazy buggers.

Bagman's Gazette - December 2006

Banker, rhymes with. . .

December 31st 2006 03:21
Here’s a little tale for all you who love to hate bankers. My mother, who is eightyfive, thought she would send me some money for Christmas. Well, mothers do that sort of thing. She, being worried that the money should arrive for Christmas, went to a company called TravelEx, whose motto is “World Wide Money”, and bought a bank draft on the National Australia Bank. You know, one of those little, oh so people friendly, business’s that post record profits every year. Yeah that’s the one. And shame on you, you really shouldn’t know those kinds of words.

Well, as luck would have it the bank draft arrived in time to do some Christmas shopping. It really is nice to know that the wife and kids would have some presents under the tree. And there might even be enough left over so I could buy a new pair of work pants.


Anyway, off to the local, people friendly branch of the NAB. Christmas decorations in the window and all.

I front up to the counter and the cashier, with a great big Christmas smile says ‘Can I Help you?’

‘Yes, thank you, I would like to cash this.’ I slide the bank draft across the counter.

Now you’ve got to understand that this bank draft says “National Australia Bank” right across the top of it.

The cashier, whose smile is starting to look a bit frosty, says ‘Do you have an account with us?

‘No, I don’t. But this is a draft on the NAB.’

’I’ll just have to ask the manager, won’t be a moment’, she says. When she returns she says ‘I’ll have to make a phone call.’

Twenty minutes later she returns. ‘We can’t cash this, you will need to deposit it in an account.’

So on the one hand we have a company whose motto is “World Wide Money” and on the other hand the NAB, who would have it’s share holders believe that the NAB is world player in the banking game.


Of course my question at this point was “This is a bank draft written on the NAB, why can’t you cash it?”.

These are the reasons given for not cashing a bank draft written on the NAB; 1) I don’t have an account. The interesting thing is that even if I did have an account, I would need to have enough money in that account to cover the amount of the draft.
2) TravelEx might stop payment on the draft.

These reasons given show that with out a doubt the National Australia Bank is saying that TravelEx is not to be trusted.

I then contacted the Melbourne office of TravelEx and explained the problem to the young man who answered the phone. I suspect he thinks of himself as banker material as his answer to the problem of the NAB publicly stating that TravelEx is not to be trusted was “It has nothing to do with us, talk to the bank”.

It is of course very interesting that TravelEx seems to be quite happy with the NAB’s assessment of TravelEx’s reliability in the international money market.

Well, I shall leave you with the banks view of customer service, which seems to have been adopted wholeheartedly by TravelEx.

Customer - Any fool who walks in the door.
Service - What a bull does to a cow.
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Nothing In Particular

December 30th 2006 10:22
It’s a sad life. Here it is, another Christmas past, again.

And yet, where is the Christian ethic?

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (well five horsemen if Terry Pratchett is right) seem to be busier than Old St. Nick.

If one was to look at the world from the outside today one could only reach the conclusion that man is a pestilence consuming all life, truly a plague upon the earth.

Now I’m not overly religious. I came to an agreement with my God years ago. I would try to live up to her/his expectations and he/she would understand that being human I might fail to do so at times. Hey, it works for me.

Ah well, I still have my health, as tattered and threadbare as it is. And to my great joy I have a family that makes me proud.

I didn’t join the army. I have however met people from around the world, without being compelled to kill them, and found friends in strange places.

And strange friends in ordinary places.

But enough of the maudlin ramblings of the wicked.

May you all have a wonderful new year and may your God smile upon you for forever and a day.
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Depression

December 19th 2006 12:49
The sun rises, black against the pale sky

Sucking the colour from the night

all fades into darkness.

Souls flee before the spreading dawn

across the plain, running, running

The shadow of day upon their heels

night’s soft light

receding

Dark of day

hunting among them

Icy fingers seek

the weak fall

the strong escape

for now
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What do you say?

December 14th 2006 11:18
When someone asks you what you do, what do you say?

Do you say, ‘I’m a writer’ or ‘I’m a poet’ or do you tell them you are a: Welder, Hairdresser, Checkout chick, etc.

Do you hesitate trying to decide what to say. Are you afraid to tell people that you write poetry, fantasy, science fiction, romance.

Would it be different if you could say ‘Oh, I write for the Times’.

Do you always add a qualifier when you say you re a writer.

“I’m a writer, well, I’m a hairdresser trying to be a writer.”

Let’s cut to the chase here. Are you a writer?

Being a writer is being an artist, if you are an artist, that’s it. You are. You might work at any other job to keep food in your belly. It doesn’t matter what job you work at to keep yourself alive. You can be a hairdresser this week and stop being a hairdresser next week.

But, if you are an artist you can’t just stop being an artist. Yes you can stop doing the art, but you can’t stop being an artist. It will always show through in everything you do.

If you try to suppress the artist you risk your mental and physical health.

I have worked as a welder for years, but I’m an artist. I have worked as a solar power consultant, but I’m an artist.

Today, when someone asks me what I do I look them in the eye and say “I’m a writer”.

And I feel good.
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Writers Block?

December 9th 2006 21:54
Writers Block. Demon or Muse gone bad?

The curse of writers every where. Does it really exist? Can it consume your soul? Rot your brain? Turn you into a mumbling, mindless fool at the keyboard?

Why should we believe in such a monster? If it exists, then point it out, shove it into the bright light of day, expose it for what it is claimed to be.

Well, I’m waiting. . .

Show me this beast that eats the words from your very mind.

You can’t, can you?

But I can, the face of this ravening beast is as close as your mirror.

Honestly folks, writers block does not exist, except as an excuse not to listen to our subconscious.

Writers block - Muse, Muse - Writers block, two sides of the same coin. Everyone wants the Muse and no one wants writers block, I’m sorry, but you can’t toss a heads every time (well, not unless you use an Australian two dollar coin).

As writers we all suffer from bouts of not being able to put words on paper (or screen as may be) but it’s not because of some evil beast spawned from the nether regions sent to destroy us.

The conscious mind has an ego as big as the Queen Mary. In fact there are those that would have it that the conscious mind is all “EGO”. What ever the truth is, the fact remains that the conscious mind is dead set certain that it is the boss.

But it’s a lot like marriage. In this union we have the conscious mind (male) and the unconscious mind (female, this is where we get the concept of the muse).

Let’s take this simile a step further. WB says he is going to watch the football on the weekend, M says WB is going to paint the bed room on the weekend. If they don’t come to an agreement then the weekend is going to be a dead loss.

So you might consciously decide to write, the subconscious says ‘Hang on a moment, we’re not ready to write yet.’ Now the conscious mind might insist that the writing will be done Now! So you sit down at the keyboard and. . . write a line, delete the line, get up, sit down, wipe the counter, fiddle with the radio, put out the cat, make another cup of tea, let the cat in, etc, etc.

Yes, we have all been there. And yes, the conscious mind can over ride the subconscious. And yes, a lot of therapists will buy a new BMWs.

Writers block does not exist.

Ah, but the Muse. She is real. She is the personification of balance between the conscious and subconscious. To find your muse is to find that balance.

So if you hit a patch where the words won’t flow, relax. The words are there. They’re just being sorted out by the subconscious. Go and do something else, anything else. When the words are ready for use, you will be ready to use them.

But if you let the ego rant about writers block, then for you, it will exist.
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Proper development of characters

December 6th 2006 12:33
This is one of my favourites when it comes to writing and editing. It is one of the areas that writers make the most mistakes.

I have posted on this subject before but it always crops up in books that I read. It drives me to distraction. There is really no reason for it to happen


[ Click here to read more ]
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What’s it all about, Editor

December 4th 2006 11:05
Editing, as I have said before, is something that all writers should do. Editing covers a wide range of problems writers often fail to catch in their own work.

The reason we fail to catch these problems is that when we read our own work, our brain is reading what we wrote in our minds and not what we actually typed


[ Click here to read more ]
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