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Political - Bagman's Gazette

Revenge of the Fox

January 17th 2011 07:59
Red Fox

The comely appearance of the sharp witted fox has only added to its allure, thrusting it into the spotlight - in a world where it would be better off hidden.

But this was not meant to be, for the fox likes to steal, and challenge, and up the stakes for good sport – and yes, it is very foxy.


It knows it's easier to steal than hunt, when the going gets tough. This provides for a good story too, for many, except the farmer, who doesn't much like that tale at all.

Then there's fox hunting, condoned by many (including the Victorian Government) on the premise that foxes' hunt small animals to extinction, dogs need exercise, and hunters need shooting practice.

At least in England, where there is a long history of fox hunting (200 fox hunting societies were registered in 2000), they are eating them. Although this appears to be relatively recent, as nearby, Oscar Wilde described fox hunting during his day as “the unspeakable chasing the uneatable”.

Yes, it is not without bias the reporters at the Bagman's Gazette speak of this winsome animal – a graceful relative in a world where friends are few. Which is why it is with satisfaction that this latest incident is reported in the Northern European country of Belarus.

In the country's Grodno region, a picturesque farming area bordering Poland, a lone hunter took a shot at a fox from some distance, wounding the animal. As the man moved in to finish the job with the butt of his rifle, the fox put up a fierce resistance, and a tangle ensued.


In the struggle, the fox somehow managed to get his paw on the trigger, shooting the man in the leg. The sly fox managed to escape, while the man is now recovering in hospital.

There has since been sightings in the forest, of a cock-legged fox wearing a bandanna, with a steely look in its eyes. The locals call him - 'the fox who got its revenge'.
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Mona Lisa Still Baffles After 500 Years

January 15th 2011 04:58
Crafted by renown renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci over roughly 16 years, the Mona Lisa remains arguably the most revered piece of artwork to date.

The enigmatic expression of the subject (which most believe is Lisa del Giocondo), along with the technique and composition, has both awed and confounded admirers from various gardens and crevices throughout the globe.

In fact, so much so, that in 1911, when the piece was successfully heisted for two years, visitors still flocked to the Louvre to stare at the vacant space where it should have sat. Such mystery surrounding the Mona Lisa continues today.

Modern scholars have even attributed the portrait's ambiguous expression to 'high cholesterol', while in 2010, in true 'Da Vinci Code' style, it was claimed tiny numbers and letters could be spotted (with the help of a magnifying glass) in the Mona Lisa's eyes.
Mona Lisa

And most recently, the background of the painting is again the subject of controversy after art historian Carla Glori claims certain 'clues' within the artwork point to an exact location.

Based on a recent discovery by fellow historian Silvano Vinceti, Glori believes the numbers seven and two, concealed on the span of the bridge over the left shoulder of Mona Lisa, are a reference to the year 1472 - the year a tempestuous flood annihilated a bridge in the town of Bobbio.

Located in rugged Northern Italy, Bobbio was the location for the film 'The Name of The Rose'. The area was also described by Ernest Hemingway as the most beautiful in the world.

While the discovery has raised an eyebrow or two, most experts believe the painting's location was a figment of da Vinci's imagination.

Vinceti believes the numbers are associated with Kabbalism (a form of mystical Judaism), while renown da Vinci scholar Martin Kemp thinks Leonardo created the landscape based on his “knowledge of the body of Earth”.

In any case, news of Glori's 'discovery' has escalated tourist numbers in the Louvre and Bobbio, with activity in both locales growing faster than a bamboo plant in Borneo.

Claims of new clues found within the painting have risen by a purported 73%, while a rise in black market da Vinci tours (run by bankrupt locals) between Paris and Bobbio has created terrestrial mayhem - as fruit trucks, buses and motor scooters batter European villages.

Augustus Finkle, head of Bobbio Leisure and Tourism (BLT), is disgusted by the turn of events. He says Bobbio has transmogrified into a despicable hamlet of greed, as treasure hunters, pseudo priests and detectives have dug numerous tunnels, drained the river, and scoffed the town's supply of his favourite donuts.
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Iceland Sings for Nature on Magical Night

January 8th 2011 07:33
While many are focusing on New Year's resolutions, or recovering from over indulgence and extended family awkwardness, a fierce war is raging on a North Atlantic Island between an energy giant and the most spirited karaoke singers, musicians and magical creatures of the land.

On the auspicious day of Threttándinn, Icelandic singer Bjork officially launched a karaoke marathon and song festival extravaganza as part of a campaign to win back her country's natural resources.

The event was put together to revoke Canadian Magma Energy's acquisition agreement of Icelandic energy company HS Orka, which Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurdardóttir believes is a distinct possibility providing the event can garner roughly 35,000 signatures.
Magic night

And with 20,000 signatures already in hand, Bjork is confident the petition's goal - “Icelandic natural resources shall be owned and governed by the public” - shall be met before the event is through.

Kicking off at 3pm in the Nordic House in Reykjavik, the nation's capital, the festival saw karaoke titans and hot dog Icelandic singers bust out in melodious splendour until midnight last night. The event, which is set to continue for three days, includes visits to various other parts of the country.

In an interview with Icelandic newspaper Fréttabladid, Bjork exclaimed it was no coincidence the event kicked off on Threttándinn, also known as the 'last day of Christmas' - a magical time where elves sprout from the hills, supernatural beings roam freely, and cows speak fluent English.

It is said on Threttándinn that elves and trolls attempt to lure folk into their world, and those that listen to a cow's conversation will become utterly deranged – all the while Atlantic seals shed their skin before walking naked around the Island in a unique oceanic fashion parade.

Although, with the blood of the hills flowing through their veins, the singers yielding their nationalistic sword of harmony have very little to worry about. It is the foreigners, with their strange smells and un-Icelandic machines, that will be lost, driven to madness, sucked into a land to which they don't belong, to the gradually fading sounds of Icelandic karaoke.
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Romanian Government Threatened by Witchcraft

January 6th 2011 07:19
In a desperate bid to dispel the dark cloud of recession, the Romanian Government has declared witchcraft a legal profession in order to curb tax evading witches who cast spells for cash-in-hand.

The move has outraged the witches of Bucharest, sparking a ring of neo-pagan protests.

One witch named Bratara has threatened to "create discord" within the government by casting a spell made from yeast and black pepper, which has further horrified the chefs of Romania operating on already scant rations.
Witch

The move to tighten the witches' working pay was given the governmental go-ahead after months of protests by witches and ridicule by the media.

Among those joining the country's newest tax payers are astrologers, embalmers and valets - all who stand united in a chorus of disgust over what they describe as a "breach on their underclass liberty". Not all, however, have greeted the move with such acid tongues.

Dudley Stingrocket, CEO of Bucharest's Unemployment and Matriculation Services (BUMS), has said the unemployed are delighted at the formal recognition of witchcraft. He says many are giddy at the prospect of applying for positions in the dark arts, where one could claim 'spell tax' on alley filth such as bat's blood and toe clippings.
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The Art of Healing in the 21st Century

November 29th 2010 06:19
In a world exploding with human activity, resources are becoming increasingly strained, competition is high, and time is short. Citizens of the great industrialised nations are feeling the pinch – lost, saddened, hurried, driven by financial lust, and disconnected from the rhythm of their hearts.

And with floundering mental health resources and the proliferation of online living, ways to calm these wordy ills are taking on new forms. In New York recently, one man has taken the initiative to dress up in an eight foot padded panda suit, offering the citizens of Brooklyn a punch for one cent.

That's right, folks can take their best shot at this towering symbol of salvation for a measly cent, in a bid to rid themselves of their deepest frustrations. Calling himself “sympathetically masochistic", performance artist Nate Hill has helped Brooklyners vent their fury on issues ranging from relationship woes to speeding tickets.
Peace

And it appears Mr Hill is making a dent, with the Guardian calling his panda antics “delightful”, adding - “Nate Hill, hear our call: this stressed-out country needs you”.

Nearby, other healing innovationists are incorporating avatars in virtual scenarios to help patients deal with phobias, addictions and emotional bedlam. Here alcoholics are driven by strong urges to order from a virtual bartender, and gamblers can 'shoot the moon' in simulated conditions, all while researchers monitor when sensations kick in.

This 'cybertherapy' is now recognised as a remarkably effective form of treatment, as patients carry over their stimuli from real life. So much so that the Canadian military and United States Army have invested millions of dollars in virtual remedy research for the benefit of their officers.

Indeed, evidence from cybertherapy reveals clients are disclosing more information to their virtual therapist than they are to their blood pumping colleagues. As in the virtual world, the environment and consultant can be altered to suit conditions most effective in quelling a patient's anxiety.

While some researchers remain sceptical over such “untoward” healing methods, others have become downright inspired. Professor Hootski, from the Sacramento Experimental Leisure Foundation (SELF), has designed a theme park aimed at “releasing the cork of hindrance from the bottle of the black beast”.

The park, entitled 'The Dark Sanctuary', is a place where entrants sign disclaimers before embarking on a pernicious rampage throughout the grounds. Here guests choose baseball bats, motorbike helmets and/or sledgehammers, before unleashing them on a variety of objects, such as designer office buildings, replica politicians, or pictures of past loves.

Happiness has increased within the vicinity by a reported 3%.
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Ancient Amazon Secrets Discovered Beneath 'The Black River'

November 12th 2010 09:41
Within the kernel of the world's largest and most biologically diverse rainforest, lies the city of Manaus. Previously termed the 'City of the Forest', this Amazonian city, which sounds like it could be a German men's club, is today a booming metropolis.

However, nearby this ode to mankind, the jungle still harbours some of the greatest secrets on Earth. For last month, a local fisherman was hunting in the Rio Negro during its lowest level in 100 years, when he discovered ancient etchings beneath the water


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The Soldier of Gaia in Disguise

October 29th 2010 06:50
For millions of years the powers of Gaia have thundered across the earth, governing the unwritten laws of the world with ferocity, scintillating beauty and the inevitability of change. Today, the commodification of all things great and small is contesting these powers in a game it cannot win.

As this beast of industrialisation rages ignorantly against the powers of the goddess, many scientists, eco-warriors and politicians struggle to tame its chaos – all while the world's ecosystems are being splintered to the core. The situation is dire. However, Japan, has a plan


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Ancient Animal Urine Shines Light on Climate Change

October 14th 2010 08:44
In a desperate bid to gauge African climate patterns, English scientists have leapt to the wild savannas with angle grinders to saw off shards of age old crystallized animal urine.

The small hairy hyrax, a relative of the graceful elephant, has been known to frequent specific locations to relieve itself, intergenerationally - over thousands of years


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Furry Gods of the Earth

October 7th 2010 08:34
There are mysteries within the world that lay hidden, and then there are mysteries that wander the Earth in disguise, as it is thought that their ways are known.

Such is the coyote, the canine species that roams throughout North and Central America, often depicted as a crude survivor of the land


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Earth Lovers Live Longer - Einstein's Theory Reveals

September 29th 2010 13:30
Decades ago, a first class scientist, quite distinguished by his hair, developed a theory. Today, beneath the mountains of Colorado, scientists have taken that idea a little further.

Armed with Einstein's theory of relativity, physicists at the National Institute of Standards Technology (NIST) have revealed people living at the top of a building age faster than those residing on the ground floor


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Parachuting Mice Attack Snakes on Tropical Island

September 24th 2010 10:03
Sometime in the 1940's, a traveller, most likely a stowaway, slithered its way onto the shores of a tiny Micronesian Island, forever changing the face of Guam and its inhabitants.

An abundance of prey and few predators meant the brown tree snake had found reptilian heaven, and so began the great tropical tree snake party of the century, which was to thunder on for decades, to the misfortune of all


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High-Speed Space Menace

September 16th 2010 16:22
The race for space - the quest for the final frontier has seen billions of dollars spent, numerous flags planted, and the likes of dogs and chimps hurled throughout weightless darkness in experimental delirium.

And now, space junk - the hideous term of post space race exploration, where the offshoots of modern progress are left splintered, unused, and orbiting the earth at the ludicrous speeds of 30,000 kph


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The Secret Life of a Lonely Old Lady

September 15th 2010 13:52
The English seaside town of Torquay, once home to the exalted Agatha Christie, has produced another thriller, although one that is decidedly less known.

On September 2nd, 89 year old Eileen Nearne reached the end of her life, passing away in her small flat. She had no known relatives or friends, preferring a cloistered existence to see out the end of her days


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Subterranean Bodies Heat Parisian Homes

September 9th 2010 13:59
From the guillotine to the submarine, English ingenuity has struck again, this time harnessing human body heat to bring warmth into the Parisian hearth.

Engineers from Buro-Happold have designed a sterling subterranean eco-experiment, which sucks the body heat off Paris metro commuters and spits it into the homes of social housing tenants


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