Tales from the Pub, The right word (LINK)
October 20th 2007 13:02
The right word is often hard to find.
The other night this twee uzzard came into the pub. I swear to the gods, he could barely see over the top of the bar. Anyways, he climbed up on a stool and shouted with tarassis ‘Drinks on me, for I am King Author of the slightly oval table, Lord of opisthotonickes, Saviour of the beldam, Keeper of the key to the fustilugs chastity belt, Patron to the order of the triorchid, Holder of the sceptre of spraints’.
Well, you get this sort of thing now and again so I just said, ‘Let’s see your money naffin.’
‘Did you not hear me, I am the King. You shall do as you are bid, or I shall have you by thee meldrop.’
‘Yeah, you want to shout the bar, you little mattoid keech, show me your money.’
It was then he pulled his sword. He lifted it over his head to take a swipe at me, shit, the damn thing was longer than he was tall. He just fell over backwards off the stool, the sword stuck into the floor and Syble, the Goddess of Children, hurried over to help him up. Well, she always was a bit of a nanophiliac.
As she helped him to his feet, the hair on his chest fell out onto the floor. Syble bent down, picked it up and started laughing. The little bugger was jumping up trying to grab it back. She held it out of his reach and said, ‘Now, now, my little mammothrept, what are you doing with a merkin stuck to your chest?’
‘You kakopygian chaterstre’, he yelled, ‘wouldest thee belittle your King?
‘You may be a king, but, I’m a Goddess, so stop being a procatgia and buy me a drink.’
It was at this point that Mal, the god of bad luck, came into the bar. He took one look at the king talking to Syble and said ‘You little shit, why’re you bothering my pygobombe.’
Bad luck sort of oozes from Mal at the best of times. But, when he’s mad terrible things can happen to anyone, everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing and looked anywhere except at Mal. Well, everyone except for a guy at the poker table. He slapped down a royal flush only to find it was, inexplicably, a pair of threes.
‘Begon tomally’, the king sneered, ‘lest I smite thee with my trocar.’
As writers it’s a bonus to know obscure or obsolete words. I go out of my way to find such books and dictionaries to increase my stock in trade (words) as it were.
But, there is of course a time and place for the use of such words. And, it must be said, the use of such words can definitely be over done.
Knowing the words is great, knowing when to use them is art.
The words and descriptions used in this little rant come from the book “Depraved and Insulting English” by Peter Novobartzky and Ammon Shea.
beldam: A mean and ugly old woman
chaterstre: A woman who talks to much, a female chatterer
fustilugs: An unwieldy and and slovenly woman
kakopygian: Possessing an ugly set of buttocks
keech: A lump of rolled up fat
mammothrept: A spoiled child
mattoid: A semi-insane person
meldrop: A drop of liquid suspended at the end of the nose
merkin: A pussy wig, artificial hair for the female pudendum
naffin: One who is almost an idiot
nanophiliac: A person with a lust for short people
opisthotonicke: Short necked persons
procatgia: A pain in the ass
pygobombe: A woman with big sexy buttocks
spraints: Otter feces
tarassis: Male hysteria
tomally: The green, slimy liver of a cooked lobster
triorchid: A man with three testicles. Also, figuratively, an extremely lascivious man
trocar: A hollow tube farmers insert into the rectums of cattle to release trapped gas.
twee: Overly cute
uzzard: A third-generation bastard
You might also enjoy:
Really Long Link
http://www.wordspy.com/
Really Long Link
The other night this twee uzzard came into the pub. I swear to the gods, he could barely see over the top of the bar. Anyways, he climbed up on a stool and shouted with tarassis ‘Drinks on me, for I am King Author of the slightly oval table, Lord of opisthotonickes, Saviour of the beldam, Keeper of the key to the fustilugs chastity belt, Patron to the order of the triorchid, Holder of the sceptre of spraints’.
Well, you get this sort of thing now and again so I just said, ‘Let’s see your money naffin.’
‘Did you not hear me, I am the King. You shall do as you are bid, or I shall have you by thee meldrop.’
‘Yeah, you want to shout the bar, you little mattoid keech, show me your money.’
It was then he pulled his sword. He lifted it over his head to take a swipe at me, shit, the damn thing was longer than he was tall. He just fell over backwards off the stool, the sword stuck into the floor and Syble, the Goddess of Children, hurried over to help him up. Well, she always was a bit of a nanophiliac.
As she helped him to his feet, the hair on his chest fell out onto the floor. Syble bent down, picked it up and started laughing. The little bugger was jumping up trying to grab it back. She held it out of his reach and said, ‘Now, now, my little mammothrept, what are you doing with a merkin stuck to your chest?’
‘You kakopygian chaterstre’, he yelled, ‘wouldest thee belittle your King?
‘You may be a king, but, I’m a Goddess, so stop being a procatgia and buy me a drink.’
It was at this point that Mal, the god of bad luck, came into the bar. He took one look at the king talking to Syble and said ‘You little shit, why’re you bothering my pygobombe.’
Bad luck sort of oozes from Mal at the best of times. But, when he’s mad terrible things can happen to anyone, everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing and looked anywhere except at Mal. Well, everyone except for a guy at the poker table. He slapped down a royal flush only to find it was, inexplicably, a pair of threes.
‘Begon tomally’, the king sneered, ‘lest I smite thee with my trocar.’
As writers it’s a bonus to know obscure or obsolete words. I go out of my way to find such books and dictionaries to increase my stock in trade (words) as it were.
But, there is of course a time and place for the use of such words. And, it must be said, the use of such words can definitely be over done.
Knowing the words is great, knowing when to use them is art.
The words and descriptions used in this little rant come from the book “Depraved and Insulting English” by Peter Novobartzky and Ammon Shea.
beldam: A mean and ugly old woman
chaterstre: A woman who talks to much, a female chatterer
fustilugs: An unwieldy and and slovenly woman
kakopygian: Possessing an ugly set of buttocks
keech: A lump of rolled up fat
mammothrept: A spoiled child
mattoid: A semi-insane person
meldrop: A drop of liquid suspended at the end of the nose
merkin: A pussy wig, artificial hair for the female pudendum
naffin: One who is almost an idiot
nanophiliac: A person with a lust for short people
opisthotonicke: Short necked persons
procatgia: A pain in the ass
pygobombe: A woman with big sexy buttocks
spraints: Otter feces
tarassis: Male hysteria
tomally: The green, slimy liver of a cooked lobster
triorchid: A man with three testicles. Also, figuratively, an extremely lascivious man
trocar: A hollow tube farmers insert into the rectums of cattle to release trapped gas.
twee: Overly cute
uzzard: A third-generation bastard
You might also enjoy:
Really Long Link
http://www.wordspy.com/
Really Long Link
| 14 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
