Tales - Bagman's Gazette

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Tales - Bagman's Gazette

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Ancient Animal Urine Shines Light on Climate Change

October 14th 2010 08:44

In a desperate bid to gauge African climate patterns, English scientists have leapt to the wild savannas with angle grinders to saw off shards of age old crystallized animal urine.

The small hairy hyrax, a relative of the graceful elephant, has been known to frequent specific locations to relieve itself, intergenerationally - over thousands of years.

It is this urine, long discharged onto the plains of old, which harbours ancient secrets into the animal's diet, vegetation and thus the local climate at the time of relief.

Fortunately for today's innovative researcher, this hyrax pee has been preserved inside rock hard crystallized accumulations termed 'middens', which can be penetrated with an old angle grinder from the backyard shed.

Whilst samples from bogs or lakes usually suffice for such research, the parched savannas of Africa proved uncooperative, and a specialised team of crack scientists from Leicester were called in to administer unorthodox perverse tactics.

Lead researcher, Dr Bill Hydro, termed by his former colleagues a "filthy demented monomaniac", has been living off bin scraps whilst conducting research from used books in the feral wastelands for the past ten years.

Dr Hydro says he was initially inspired by the old Chinese proverb - 'though you live near a forest, do not waste firewood', and has since gone on an investigatory rampage on waste utilisation, specialising in ancient urine, worldwide.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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Furry Gods of the Earth

October 7th 2010 08:34

There are mysteries within the world that lay hidden, and then there are mysteries that wander the Earth in disguise, as it is thought that their ways are known.

Such is the coyote, the canine species that roams throughout North and Central America, often depicted as a crude survivor of the land.

Author Mark Twain called the animal "a living breathing allegory of want", which inspired cartoonist Chuck Jones to fashion the much loved Roadrunner - a madcap desert dweller with not quite the ability to capitalise upon a good lunch. And such imagery has largely remained.

A closer look, however, reveals an earthly enigma. American Indian mythology celebrates the coyote as a trickster and a god like figure that is sexually perverse. While specialised coyote scientists, dedicating their whole life to their study, are having a hard time keeping up with them.

Dr Laura Prugh, Wildlife Ecologist, says in order to catch one, traps must be boiled to wash away human sent, handled with gloves, and hidden with extreme care. All human footprints must be erased, and even then, it is only the pups that are caught.

These mangy tricksters are known to breed with dogs and wolfs, producing hybrids of both kinds. In fact, it has only recently been discovered that coyote-wolf hybrids exist. Indeed.

Coyotes are also extremely versatile, hunting singularly, in packs, and with other species. In Wyoming, the coyote has been known to hunt with badgers - so successfully that the team has paired up on numerous occasions. They also eat anything from pigs to garbage, to beetles and watermelons. Opportunists.

Living just about anywhere, this crafty mutt navigates the urban realms with apparent ease, moving stealthily between worlds. Over 2000 of them live in greater Chicago, undetected. Despite their urban numbers, it is only occasionally that one is spotted in or near the city. Shadows.

The varied hullabaloo of the coyote, with their yelps, yips and howls, is thought to make their numbers sound far greater. Dr Stefano believes coyotes talk to us, telling us of danger approaching, and of the day death will come. It is also believed the coyote has learned Comanche, Apache and many other languages, but not yet English. Quite so.

Herbie Spaffnik, a solitary hunter living in the Appalachian Mountains, says he's had many a conversation with a coyote, over cards and a few shots of whisky. It's here he invariably gets tricked into a drinking game, only to wake hours later to find his cupboards bare and his Barry Manilow records gone.

However, he says it's all worth while, even for just a quick chat with a charming coyote.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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Parachuting Mice Attack Snakes on Tropical Island

September 24th 2010 10:03

Sometime in the 1940's, a traveller, most likely a stowaway, slithered its way onto the shores of a tiny Micronesian Island, forever changing the face of Guam and its inhabitants.

An abundance of prey and few predators meant the brown tree snake had found reptilian heaven, and so began the great tropical tree snake party of the century, which was to thunder on for decades, to the misfortune of all.

Sixty years on - brown tree snake numbers have exploded into prodigious proportions. Native bird populations are decimated, lizards and fruit bats scoffed dry, chickens frightened, small children bitten, and Guam's power supplies are utterly thwarted.

This small island is clearly disturbed, something had to be done. Peter Savarie, Tom Mathies and Kathleen Fagerstone, of the National Wildlife Research Center, had an idea.

Parachuting mice - dead, poisoned and equipped with radio transmitters, launched from helicopters 30 metres above the forest, in what has been described as a posthumous snake assassination adventure.

Targeting the forest canopy, these intrepid researchers anticipated the mouse's parachute would tangle near the snake's home, providing easy bait. This would also effectively avoid harm to the forest's more innocuous inhabitants, such as the ravenous floor dwelling coconut crab.

A number of biodegradable materials were trialled, such as Ecofilm (biodegradable plastic) and cornstarch. However, it was paper and cardboard that were finally chosen as materials best fulfilling the requirements of an eco reptilian assault.

While the experiment has been labelled "improbable research" by the Guardian, other less credible institutions have given more positive reviews.

Dr Hank Begotten, from the Alternative Life Cycle Organisation (ALCO), has called the endeavour a wonderful intrusion upon an intrusion, which renders biological activity patternless. He adds that such double interventions are expected to produce splendid anomalies like unicorns in the very near future.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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High-Speed Space Menace

September 16th 2010 16:22

The race for space - the quest for the final frontier has seen billions of dollars spent, numerous flags planted, and the likes of dogs and chimps hurled throughout weightless darkness in experimental delirium.

And now, space junk - the hideous term of post space race exploration, where the offshoots of modern progress are left splintered, unused, and orbiting the earth at the ludicrous speeds of 30,000 kph.

Currently, there are around 200,000 pieces of space garbage, mostly broken satellites, being shot around the globe approximately 600 miles above the earth. Previously ignored, these renegade rogues of darkness are beginning to raise a few eyebrows.

In fact, they are now becoming a liability, as pieces of space garbage bigger than 5 millimetres travelling at these speeds can take out a satellite, rip through a space suit, or puncture a hole in an international space station.

Optic systems expert, Dr Ben Green, says the problem is becoming exacerbated, as "junk is colliding with junk and creating more junk". He adds that certain orbits will soon have so much junk they will be a no go zone for satellites – a highway of hell.

Scientists such as Dr Green have therefore decided to cull some of these roaming outlaws. His company, Electro Optic Systems, has designed laser technology to blast the junk into smithereens.

Meanwhile, American company Star Inc is set to hurl gargantuan sized nets into space in order to capture the junk. Other scientists are inventing 'soccer skilled' robots to dock alongside streams of heavy traffic in order to boot the travellers into deep "graveyard" orbits.

However, Dr Ernest Log, from the Galactic Animist Society (GAS), has labelled the ideas as “rubbish”. He says rather than focusing on junk assassination, we should be integrating these high-speed miscarriages of industry into one big whirlpool of consciousness. Which, he adds, might even save us a few bob.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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The Secret Life of a Lonely Old Lady

September 15th 2010 13:52

The English seaside town of Torquay, once home to the exalted Agatha Christie, has produced another thriller, although one that is decidedly less known.

On September 2nd, 89 year old Eileen Nearne reached the end of her life, passing away in her small flat. She had no known relatives or friends, preferring a cloistered existence to see out the end of her days.

With no funeral arrangements made, authorities decided to enter Ms Nearne's flat to search for clues of any would be relatives, when they discovered the extraordinary life of a women that lay concealed to the last.

Numerous war medals were found, as well as papers revealing she was once known as 'Agent Rose', a secret spy who worked for Prime Minister Winston Churchill's covert operation against Nazi espionage during WWII.

Both Nearne and her sister were trained in an isolated Scottish castle by the clandestine 'Special Operations Executive' (SOE), before Nearne was sent to France in 1944. It was here, as an agent, she was to recruit an underground organisation of resistance fighters plotting against Nazi Germany.

While undercover, Nearne was captured by the Gestapo, before she convinced them of an alternative identity through her fluent French and was released. However, she was soon caught again and sent to a forced labour camp in Silesia.

Here she was stripped and her head was forced under icy water, which nearly drowned her. Still, she didn't spill the beans, stoically maintaining her charade as an innocent French girl joining the resistance “for fun”.

However, it was her skills with Morse code and communications that kept Nearne in touch with UK agents, which eventually lead to her escape. She was caught again, until a crafty slip led her into the arms of a priest, who hid her in Leipzig until US troops landed.

Eventually returning home, Nearne was awarded an MBE (Member of the Order of the British Empire) for her efforts, before living many years with her sister. She was described by co-workers as “well above average” in both abilities and courage.

In 1982, her sister passed away, and Nearne moved to Torquay where she lived out the remainder of her days alone, by the sea, never to speak of her life again.

Fast reaching posthumous fame, Ms Nearne is being hailed by the British media as 'Eleanor Rigby', the fictitious spinster from the renown Beatles song who died alone, very much unknown. However, unlike Eleanor Rigby, she will now not be “buried along with her name”.

Although it appears she would have preferred it that way.

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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Subterranean Bodies Heat Parisian Homes

September 9th 2010 13:59

From the guillotine to the submarine, English ingenuity has struck again, this time harnessing human body heat to bring warmth into the Parisian hearth.

Engineers from Buro-Happold have designed a sterling subterranean eco-experiment, which sucks the body heat off Paris metro commuters and spits it into the homes of social housing tenants

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Dodo Last Seen in Oxford

September 7th 2010 11:31

Until the 17th century, the tropical forested Island of Mauritius was uninhabited by humans, and the blundering bow beaked Dodo lived in relative peace and harmony.

Enter the Dutch and French - bringing dogs and cats, pigs and rats. Whereby the flightless, fearless Dodo, used to living in isolation, was soon plundered, trampled and scoffed in tropical ignorance until it was all but extinct

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Poetry

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Lost Treasure of Tsar Found in World's Deepest Lake

September 3rd 2010 01:52

One 'Bloody Sunday' in 1905, peaceful protesters were brutally gunned down by the Imperial Guards of Russia's final Emperor, Nicholas II, triggering the dramatic descent of Russia's economic and military power.

Public tolerance of Russian autocracy had exhausted, resulting in Siberian civil war

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political

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Despair in The Land of The Immortals

September 1st 2010 11:23

The islands of Japan have long held a reputation for the world's greatest life expectancy, with the average citizen likely to hit 86 years, and many expected to live past 100.

In fact, the ancient Chinese have dubbed Japan the "land of the immortals" for many years, due to its seemingly ageless lifestyle

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Demonic Fungus Possesses Ants For 48-Million-Years

August 24th 2010 09:45

The dirty German Messel Pit - home to one of the world's most splendid fossil collections, is at it again, this time producing startling new evidence of a devilish ant possessing fungus, from deep within an ancient German forest.

The parasitic fungus, still alive today, lives mid way between the canopy and forest floor, where it once attached itself to carpenter ants as they sauntered home to their forest canopy families

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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Violent Storm Conceives 'Mysterious Island'

August 12th 2010 14:32

One dark and violent morning in the early days of 2009, the most powerful force to hit France in years came storming down upon the edge of the Atlantic.

Winds of up to 200 km/ph tore through the nebulous dawn, leaving 26 people dead, forests and power lines crushed, buildings and roads annihilated, and the people of Rowan (a tiny fishing port) utterly flabbergasted

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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British Chap Treks Entire Amazon in Two Years

August 10th 2010 13:26

From deep within the recesses of adventure and lunacy, former British army captain Ed Stafford has braved numerous toxic perils to become the first known man to walk the entire length of the Amazon River.

Armed with an internet satellite phone for entertainment, Stafford spent his comfortable nights watching episodes of 'The Office' in between affairs with 5.5-metre-long caimans, titanic anacondas and "50,000 mosquito bites

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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Cosmic Behemoth - Scientists Discover Biggest Star Ever Known

July 23rd 2010 08:04

In the darkest corners of deep space, scientists have discovered the most gargantuan galactic fireball ever known to mankind.

The star, known as R136a1, is a staggering 265 times heavier than the sun and millions of times brighter

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Posted By: Andy Tope - Category: Tales, Political, Poetry

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